Chronic Fatigue = Difficulties

OTs tell me to pace, PTs tell me to push. I'm exhausted and sick and I can't do this. I want to sleep. I have so much physio to do and I want to do it, but I physically can't and it's frustrating. I feel like I'm not getting as much out of it as I could be and it's annoying me. I want to get to a point where I can live comfortably; I know the pain won't go and I know this will help, I just can't help pushing myself so hard.

Physio is now focusing on my legs, shoulders and my back. My back (like my sense of humour) is twisted and the muscles are weak so standing upright is really, really difficult. I can't help but feel the physios are just as frustrated with me as I am with myself, hence the pushing and pushing. I also tend to get a bit involved too, like with the table tennis today, I kept trying to reach for it and I didn't need to; I just ended up putting my back out more.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day, but I only have three breaks, all day and one of those is lunch. It's literally solid from 8:30 until 4, but you'll see tomorrow when I do my daily plan in the morning. I'm really starting to hate myself because I can't do things; I understand the need for "Positive Mental Attitude" but frankly, that's bullshit. How can I have PMA when most of my mood is down and everything feels really negative?

Beh, maybe I'll be allowed to sleep through tomorrow... Hopefully I won't be told "you don't look ill" like I was this morning, I know it's supposed to be a compliment, I know that; but it's my most hated phrase ever. I hate it even more than "I could care less" and I hate that phrase a lot.

Anyway, enough ranting from me today, I'm sure you don't want to read it.